Some things aren't meant to be
by browneyedgirlxx
Summary: Things aren't right between Carl and Emma and it's time for her to end it. Emma's break up conversation with Carl. Multi-chapter


"I'm so sorry I've hurt you Carl, but I can't go on lying to myself and lying to you", Emma said quietly.

"As much as I wanted it to work between us and I really did, it just can't because this thing between me and Will … it never really finished." She was looking down at her hands and waiting for his reaction.

When he didn't say anything, she looked up at him cautiously through her eyelashes.

He nodded sadly.

"It's hard to hear. But I'd rather you told me the truth, Ems. I don't want to find out later or wish that we'd talked it through … wonder if we could have found a way to make it work."

"We can't. I'm sure now. I never should have started this relationship with you, should have never got you involved. It was all just so messy with Will. So very messy", she said shaking her head.

"And I just wished that I could start fresh, a clean slate, a new relationship. In so many ways we're perfect for each other." But you're not perfect for me because you're not Will. Emma left that unsaid. She didn't want to make this any more painful than it had to be.

Carl sighed. 'I think we're great together.'

Emma cringed inwardly. Was Carl getting the message? This relationship had no future. There had been little things from the very beginning that she had found annoying about Carl. But she had pushed them out of her mind. Focused on all his wonderful qualities – his excellent oral hygiene, his knowledge of anti-bacterial agents, his desire to rid the world of plaque. When all was said and done though, he wasn't Will and he would never be enough. Sure she had kissed him. It was easy really because she knew his mouth would always be minty fresh and 99.9% free of bacteria but when she closed her eyes it was Will's face she saw. When she ran her hands through his hair it was Will's curls she thought of. And when he sang it was Will's voice she longed to hear.

She'd known it wasn't right that she spent so much time thinking about Will when she was dating Carl but she'd convinced herself that it was just a habit she needed to rid herself of like her OCD.

"I've been so grateful for your support with my … my issues", offered Emma, hoping to let him down gently.

Sure he had been encouraging with her attempts to work on her mysophobia. But she knew she shouldn't be relying on him to help her. This was her battle and hers alone. There was no use using him as some sort of crutch to get through this difficult time particularly when she always knew deep down that they had no future.

"I'll always cherish our visits to the Rocky Horror Show", said Carl.

Emma nodded. She couldn't bring herself to actually lie and she'd never been proud of the fact that she always thought of Will on their outings to the midnight showings. But she hadn't been able to stop herself thinking of him when she watched. Imagining him next to her, singing along.

"Things have been different between us … since your rehearsal, haven't they?" said Carl slowly.

Emma wished she could look away, run away from this whole mess, but she couldn't. She had to face this so she could move on.

"They really have", said Emma evenly.

She had to be honest with herself and with him. When she had rehearsed TTTM with Will it was as though all her desires, all her natural instincts, had been released by the music. And the connection Emma had felt between them was so powerful that she could no longer deny it. In fact it was so powerful that it had almost frightened her. For a moment she'd felt as though she'd lost all control and that in that moment anything could have happened between her and Will. Right there in his classroom. With who knows who watching through the window. She'd come out of that spell, her hand against his bare chest, their lips close to touching. And she's been so shocked and so ashamed at what might have happened that she'd left as quickly as she could.

Because it really would have been wrong for her to kiss Will when she was supposed to be with Carl. It had been wrong for her to do that with Will at all and she'd felt so guilty that she'd immediately told Carl what had happened.

He'd been so understanding. Annoyed but still understanding. She'd been too ashamed to tell him why it had happened though, had just let him assume that Will had somehow persuaded her or coerced her or manipulated the situation. But she knew that was far from the truth. She hadn't needed persuading and ever since, that knowledge, her secret, had been eating away at her.

"But you didn't start seeing Will? Nothing else happened?" asked Carl.

"No. Nothing at all." said Emma, shaking her head firmly.

She'd tried to bury the truth even from herself. Had listened to Will tell her that he loved her. That he would let her go because he loved her. And not said a word to let him know that she still felt the same.

She hadn't been able to. The fear of trying again with Will was too much. Knowing how strong her feelings were for him, always had been, and the pain she had felt on losing him before terrified her. She didn't know if she could bear to go through that again. If she could take the risk. Will certainly had his fair share of issues. That had become abundantly clear recently.

And she'd been ashamed of herself for repeating her mistake with Ken. Of drawing someone else into the tangled web of her relationship with Will. She hadn't meant for that to happen and had hardly wanted to admit to herself that she had done that again.

It had taken some time for her to realise that flawed as Will was and risky as it might be to pick up their relationship again, for Emma no one compared to Will. And she was prepared to risk getting hurt again. Because really it was her only choice. It was like choosing to breathe.

But it had taken the substitute to make her admit it to herself.


End file.
